Table of Contents: “…. -- Chapter titles from the on the nose, po-faced transmasculine memoir I am trying not to write -- My brothers, my brothers, my brothers' keepers, my brothers, my brothers, my brothers and me -- Help me brother, or I sink -- Apollo and Hyacinthus die playing ultimate frisbee, and I died watching teenage boys play video games -- Lord Byron has a birthday and takes his leave -- Reasons for transitioning, in order -- If you can't parallel park, you have to get a sex change -- Unwanted coming-out disorder -- The stages of not going on T -- Oh Lacanian philosopher we love you get up -- The several mortes d'Arthur -- Cosmopolitan magazine cover stories for bewildered future trans men living in the greater Chicago area between the years 1994-2002 -- Marcus Aurelius prepares for the new year -- Evelyn Waugh and the opposite of communion -- Jacob and the angel wrasslin' till noon at least -- Mary and Martha and Jesus and the dishes -- Columbo in six positions -- On Wednesdays we mean girls wore pink -- The Golden Girls and the mountains in the sea -- Captain James T. …”